Feeling useless. Not trying hard enough. Growing up, I’ve had to suffer from such notions. My parents told me from time to time that they didn’t think I was helpful to the family and how I was a constant disappointment. I guess many African parents tell that to their kids to make them do better.
For me, it was a constant pain in my heart every time I heard those words. I would try so hard to please my parents, and still, the results would be for naught. I would try, give up, and the circle went on and on. At some point, I kept asking myself, “Am I such an awful daughter?”
In high school, I used to help out, but it was in very small quantities. I would share my pocket money with my roommate from a less fortunate family than me. When I got to university, I dove into volunteering and helping out in any way I could. I wanted to prove to myself and my family that I could be helpful and essential to people. Over time it became a force of habit. I couldn’t let a troubled soul pass me by without helping out.
I’ve worked so hard trying to make people feel I am useful. I became so engrossed in being helpful that volunteering felt like a second home for me. I was quite happy every time I volunteered or helped someone. They made me feel loved and appreciated, and they helped me fill the void that kept haunting me—the feeling of needing to keep doing more and more to be loved.
It may have started as a way to prove my self-worth, but now I feel driven by the need to make the lives of others better, safer, happier, and more prosperous.
The world is full of people called philanthropists with different private agendas. I, for one, dream of a time when I’m not simply a philanthropist by name but someone who has actually changed the lives of people positively and drastically. I don’t think I’m an awful daughter. I may not be the best, but I’m confident to say I’m good enough.
To be able to give without necessarily receiving will be a dream come true for me. To change someone’s life for the better in any way possible. My utmost dream would be a world where everyone has a chance of feeling loved, appreciated, needed, and comforted that there’s always a helping hand around.
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